Shattered

I am a broken mirror.  Shattered and lying on the floor, my heart races my mind through a maze of words.  I strive to solve the maze.  Yet, it is impossible to solve a puzzle that doesn’t exist.  One cannot settle a debt between the soul and the universe. I reach into a jar of worst case scenarios.  With each one I read I can feel the pain of what would happen if the nightmares were awakened.  Would I survive?  How much would it hurt?  What would I do?  I pick up a piece of glass.  The beast is smiling at me.  His monstrous grin reflects a world of terror.  I pull my eyelids down like a shade.  I hang the closed sign and allow the rain to rush from my eyes.   A storm of emotion explodes from my chest.  I count to five and open my eyes.  The mirror is restored.  I look for the beast and see only my own eyes.  It is in this moment I realize, I am the beast.

Anxiety is the beast.   A fear monster that lies in wait, yearning to steal your breath and your happiness.  There is not a single thing about anxiety that makes sense and those who suffer from it understand that it can attack you when you least expect it.  It can happen on the happiest of days or in the dead of night.  You could be alone or in a room full of people.  You are quiet but your thoughts are screaming. Lips cemented shut, sweat forming, you smile at the masses while breaking down inside. No one knows, many don’t understand and for some, it will never go away.

For me, there are days where I can keep the beast at bay.  I can fight him back into a corner while I laugh hysterically at his sharp grin. Then, there are the moments where I am too weak to fight.  Where he takes my breath and consumes me. Finally, I am exhausted. I can’t care anymore. I smile and welcome the sweet relief of sleep.

It is different for everyone who lives with the fear monster but one thing is always the same.  When he enters it is maddening.  We do not imagine a simple scenario, it is always the worst.  It is not an injury, it is death.  It is not a mild car accident, it is a total loss.   It is not a cold, it is terminal.  It is awful, it is painful and we know those who love us want to help. Yet, attempting to calm the anxious mind is like trying to iron a rogue wave.  We need to weather the storm to find the rainbow on the other side.

Manage your vessel, look for the rainbow.  Find the catalyst that rights your ship.  For me it is two things, writing and exercise.  An exorcism of words on the page, I allow my mind to erupt.  A volcano, I allow the fire to leave me, till only ash remains. It is movement.  A workout so intense the endorphins mute the voices.  I extend, spin and run. Run and outrun the crippling fear till I forget why I was afraid.

Find your rainbow.  Talk, dance, scream and breathe.   Remember, if only for a moment, this worry will not protect you.  It is a hinder not a safety net. No matter what happens, you will be okay.   There is always a rainbow, find it, in each new day.